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As much as I loved my summer here in Augusta, GA… I AM SO READY TO GO HOME. I will finally be able to sit down with my family and get some of our lives planned out!
And after months of just talking on the freakin phone, I GET TO SEE THEIR FACES.
And not only that, I ended P&G with an awesome review and get to see my boyfriend as I head to school.
Ahhhhhhh :) :) :) :)
My pic sucks.
I will not look at it for the next 5 years.
I will just flash it at the bars.
My jaw might actually get stuck from how much this guy makes me smile.
Okay, here it is. Work is… awesome. Seriously. So freakin cool. The work they do, being there, it’s so sweet. As of right now when I’m not packed and stressed out, I can just kick back and appreciate it.
Oh man, so sweet. I’m using all the stuff I learned in school (surprisingly) and can really apply things. No grades, no tests, just results and effort. I love just doing the work week and not coming home to homework.
Like Friday afternoon, this guy came down and asked me to figure something out for him. He just said “You can look at it, and see if you can figure out a way to get this angle within the next hour. If not, we’ll just wait til Dave comes back.”
Right then, I soooo wanted to prove myself. AND I DID. I found this angle while looking through different images and coordinating planes and AHHH. I couldn’t stop smiling.
On top of that, the people are fantastically smart. To the point that they’re so intelligent that its incredibly cool. And co-oping is the best. I come back from work, either after volleyball or working out and just cook dinner with my roommate. Afterwards, Fred usually comes over with the other co-ops.
(Here’s a side story, Fred and I had a week long fling, but I ended it early bc he liked me way more than I liked him and just wouldn’t work out. But my gosh, he’s a terrific guy who wants to hang out with me. Seriously wonderful guy.) And pretty much we all hang out in the apartments, drinking and watching MythBusters.
I don’t want to go back to school and do homework. Forget that. I finally have a purpose, a calling here. I don’t want to do a stupid job, that doesn’t require me to problem solve or figure things out. This is it. This is why I’m an engineer. Not to end up with a dumb desk job, filing away papers and figuring out how to make more money.
On top of that, I got to spend the weekend with my family. And now, we’re finally back to normal. After 3 months of constantly fighting with each other, we’re back to normal. To all of us laughing and smiling together— and NOT fighting. Gosh. It was so hard winter quarter to just be in the middle of all the fighting. It tore us apart and really hurt. Now… we’re back to being us.
We all went out to dinner tonight and on the drive back, my brother is just sleeping on my shoulder and we’re talking about stories we remember from when my mom was pregnant with Adesh.
Now, I’m just gonna keep enjoying when I have right now. I’m finally getting some help with my depression and anxiety problems from the past year. I’m still in touch with quite a few people at school. I love hearing from the people at OSU.
I came back from my day today to be able to sit on the couch and write. I’ve felt a certain type of anxiety today that really couldn’t be suffocated. I felt like I just really needed to sit and write it all out.
I’ve been reading this TIME magazine (great edition, btw. really great). It’s called “10 New Ideas to Change Your Thinking”. And the first idea was “Living Solo”. And I’ve really struggled with this lately. When I’m at home alone, I either feel alone or I feel like I should be feeling alone. Sometimes, I am rather content with it, but then it makes me feel like I don’t enjoy my friends company or anything.
Here’s what TIME has to say about it. Most of the population has begun to live by themselves. If he/she is at an age where he/she isn’t married, but don’t want to move home, the person tends to live by themselves. And it was talking about how this isn’t out of the social norm anymore. That living by yourself can be a very good thing. That there is a difference between living alone and feeling alone. Obviously, feeling alone isn’t a good thing. But living alone isn’t a bad thing. Living alone provides more quality time with friends versus the quantity of time. That living alone can be what is needed for you to reach out and try to spend that quality time with the people that really matter in your life.
That really helped me to cope with living by myself. And I was also able to enjoy sitting by myself in my apartment, reading a magazine for a few hours. Something that I wouldn’t have accepted otherwise, without feeling like an anti-social bug.
But here’s the hard thing. I’ve had this anxiety feeling for the past week that I can’t seem to run away from. It’s this feeling that I’m going to see Aaron. And I only get these deep anxiety feelings when I truly end up seeing him a few days later or something. In fact, I haven’t wanted to go on facebook, or walk around or do much outside of Scott and my home on the pure fear of running into him. I haven’t wanted to walk and look up anymore. It’s this constant fear now. But, I don’t really think it’s him that I necessarily fear. I think he more symbolizes something that I fear.
I haven’t gotten this fear since the beginning of the fall quarter, but it’s seeming to return. I don’t know if it’s with the weather changing and people spending more time outside, or what exactly. But, I’ll be honest. I’m terrified. For me, he represents a harsh emptiness. One that took a large about of time to fill and grow from.
It took a long time for me to forgive him. So much that I’m still working on it, but I am truly trying to forgive someone who showed me no remorse for his actions. Believe me, it hurts. It hurts to grasp a simple closure from someone who hasn’t given you anything to work with. A reason to not be angry, not be sad, not be resentful.
One of my favorite things is to lay outside and people watch. But I can’t seem to do that because I’m petrified of seeing 1 out of the 50,000 people here. You think there’s no way I’ll see him, but you’d be surprised.
I’m scared of seeing him and being sucked back into the ugly hole I was in at one point. I’m so scared of saying that “I’m doing well” because I don’t want the next day to be bad. I’m scared of being content on the simple basis that I might not be once I say it.
The other thing I’ve been really tense about is being okay with being single. The truth is… I am okay with it. Sure, it’ll be nice to be with someone, but I am very understanding as to why I’m not right now. But, its when I see couples all out on the oval, doing the things I love. It hurts to be reminded of it.
I know, statistically, I will not be good for a relationship now. The average age of the college educated woman to get married is 30 years old. 30-20= 10. Therefore, I really have 10 years to just kick it. Overall, people change all the time. That most couples my age that are together today… are usually not going to end up married, even though everyone feels like it. I believe in love, and the wonderful things it does. But, you’re more likely to find someone compatible in every way to you, when you’re not changing as much anymore. And… that’s not me right now. I’m still changing. It’s just really hard… when I’m sitting on the oval, by myself, amongst numerous couples. The truth is, I don’t really feel alone, until I sit amongst all of them.
So how to deal with this anxiety? How do I handle it? How do I not let it affect me anymore?
I just don’t know… I don’t want to feel this way. But, I kinda do. I’m still content with my life. I wish I accepted that I was. And that I won’t creep into the ugly place I was or lonely circle… unless I put myself there.
EDIT: JUST SAW HIM. Isn’t it so weird. So incredible weird how I just knew? In my deepest gut… I just knew. There’s some kind of serenity in being able to trust yourself.
Let me give you a little insight into what my sexting life is like